Wednesday, September 16, 2009

On a personal note

I've had trouble with insomnia and anxiety off and on for almost 3 years ever since Ryan was born. During my pregnancy with Jack, it disappeared, and I felt great. Since Jacks delivery, it's returned, unfortunately. Since I had already gone through all of that when Ryan was born, I didn't hesitate and went to my doctor for some help. Medication and nursing do not go well together, but I was determined to nurse Jack. I accepted the risks, and started taking some meds that were on the safer side. I have definitely worried about their affect on Jack, but also realized that I needed some help. The results have been inconsistent, and the past week, for whatever reason, has been more difficult for me. I went back to my doctor yesterday and he agreed that I needed some more help, but he said I would not fully get better, nor could he prescribe much of anything, unless I stopped nursing. I started crying immediately and he asked (in a way that was meant for me to sort through my own feelings) why it was so important to me. I said I really didn't know because I really have no problem with formula and have been supplementing Jack since day one. He referred me to another doctor for some additional help and asked me to consider weaning Jack so I could fully get better.

I had a lot of tears on the way home, and then I talked with Phil, my sister, and my mom, and they were all so supportive of me. They all helped me recognize that I have had too much on my plate since returning to work, knowing that I will be full time in about a month, and trying to drop off the boys in two different places each morning. In addition to all that, on my work days, instead of eating lunch with the teachers, I've rushed to feed Jack, then I've hurried back to school. I've missed the friendships of my colleagues and the strain of this arrangement has taken its toll. I decided that the doctor was right.

Today, my confidence has grown in my decision as I watched Jack go 3 hours (!) between feedings with the bottle. Not only that, but I realized no longer will I have to schedule my entire day around his feedings, or plan to be home by a certain time when I've gone out for a bit. I can pick to wear any kind of clothes, including dresses, that I want and they won't look wrinkled from pulling them up all day. Phil realized the best thing of all; we can go out of town for a weekend without children sooner than when Jack turns one. I think it's going to be alright and I'm looking forward to meeting with my new doctor next week to figure out what to do next.

7 comments:

  1. Jenny,
    I know the decision was hard, but it sounds like the perfect conclusion. Being rested and feeling good with your boys is so much more important than the method of their feedings. I'm praying for you to have some great sleep soon!

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  2. Jenny,
    SOOOOOO glad to hear about your decision. I am a strong believer that the best thing for our kiddos is that WE are adjusted and healthy first too! After Hadley I dealt with post partum depression for close to two years. It was brutal, even on meds, so I can definitely relate to a lot of those feelings of anxiety etc. So proud of you for doing what is best for your ENTIRE family! I'll be praying for you all! (and yes, it is so nice to NOT be attatched to your little cutie all the time.) AKA hello good night's rest or girls night out :) Here if you ever need anything! Love Jenn

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  3. Wow, that sounds rough! Sending prayers your way! I bet just having arrived at a decision feels good!

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  4. Oh friend I'm so sorry for this crappy situation but am SO proud of you for making a decision that will ultimately benefit you AND your family. Like Jenn said, it's important for you as Mama to well adjusted in order to teach that and instill that in your kids. So proud of you!

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  5. I don't know how you managed your new routine for as long as you did. You are going to be so much happier now!

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  6. The CAO & The Queen BeeSeptember 18, 2009 at 3:37 PM

    Hey dear!! I have been praying for you since I read your blog about going back to work. I know this is tough stuff. I think you are a terrific mom and I am so impressed when I see you with Ryan. You were wise to go straight to the doc and get any help you needed!

    Here is my prayer for you today. Col.2:2
    I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest.

    Jenny, you definately are woven in a great tapestry - a quilt of love. I pray that God will be with you in a very special way!

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  7. Hey there, I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I hope things are looking up for you. Love to you and your family!

    P.S. I've got nothing but love for formula. Mads and I were not down with the whole nursing thing!

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