On a personal note

I've had trouble with insomnia and anxiety off and on for almost 3 years ever since Ryan was born. During my pregnancy with Jack, it disappeared, and I felt great. Since Jacks delivery, it's returned, unfortunately. Since I had already gone through all of that when Ryan was born, I didn't hesitate and went to my doctor for some help. Medication and nursing do not go well together, but I was determined to nurse Jack. I accepted the risks, and started taking some meds that were on the safer side. I have definitely worried about their affect on Jack, but also realized that I needed some help. The results have been inconsistent, and the past week, for whatever reason, has been more difficult for me. I went back to my doctor yesterday and he agreed that I needed some more help, but he said I would not fully get better, nor could he prescribe much of anything, unless I stopped nursing. I started crying immediately and he asked (in a way that was meant for me to sort through my own feelings) why it was so important to me. I said I really didn't know because I really have no problem with formula and have been supplementing Jack since day one. He referred me to another doctor for some additional help and asked me to consider weaning Jack so I could fully get better.

I had a lot of tears on the way home, and then I talked with Phil, my sister, and my mom, and they were all so supportive of me. They all helped me recognize that I have had too much on my plate since returning to work, knowing that I will be full time in about a month, and trying to drop off the boys in two different places each morning. In addition to all that, on my work days, instead of eating lunch with the teachers, I've rushed to feed Jack, then I've hurried back to school. I've missed the friendships of my colleagues and the strain of this arrangement has taken its toll. I decided that the doctor was right.

Today, my confidence has grown in my decision as I watched Jack go 3 hours (!) between feedings with the bottle. Not only that, but I realized no longer will I have to schedule my entire day around his feedings, or plan to be home by a certain time when I've gone out for a bit. I can pick to wear any kind of clothes, including dresses, that I want and they won't look wrinkled from pulling them up all day. Phil realized the best thing of all; we can go out of town for a weekend without children sooner than when Jack turns one. I think it's going to be alright and I'm looking forward to meeting with my new doctor next week to figure out what to do next.